I am joining scores of other Purple Women who are blogging today about what it's like to be a childfree woman.
"Baby hater", "selfish", "glib". I, and probably every other childfree woman that has outed herself, have had these and similarly hate fueled comments hurled in our direction every now and again.
Let's face it, we live in a child-centric world. Parents are given subsidies in the form of tax rebates, non-parents are expected to pick up the slack at work when the childed have to take time off from work for illness, clarinet concerts and baby's first three week extravaganza at Disney World. Hell, people that give birth to litters of babies get to go on The Today Show and shill for diapers, college money and vans. And they usually get it.
The first question most people will ask you when you meet them is "Do you have children?" Why not ask me if I have a Master's Degree (I do) or if I've ever been to Spain (I haven't)? Of all the questions that a stranger can ask, it's funny to think that the most common has to do with how productive you and your partner are in bed.
What I have found most interesting is that people generally feel that if you don't want kids then you must hate them. It's the whole "if you aren't with us you're against us" mentality. Even people that don't have kids but want them someday view you as the enemy. If I meet someone that doesn't want to get a pet, I don't immediately assume that they blow up frogs in their spare time.
I think the most frustrating thing about being childfree is the fact that most people won't take you seriously. I can't count the number of times that people have told me that I will change my mind, or that they knew someone just like me and now she has 15 kids. As if I need to be reassured that if I keep the faith, someday I can be a normal mommy.
I have vivid memories of myself at 13 knowing that I shouldn't be a mother. I went through a period where I thought I should have kids, but after thinking about the reality of children knew that 13-year-old-me was really on to something. I've held newborn babies and smelled their little heads and had them hold my finger in their tiny hands and look into my eyes. It's magical and amazing, but I still don't want to be a mother.
In less than two months I will be an aunt for the first time, and I can't wait! I can't wait to meet my nephew for the first time. I can't wait to hear his first word, watch his first steps, see him play Little League and go off to his prom. I still don't want to be a mother.
I am childfree and proud. I am however, not a baby hater, not selfish (or no more so than someone that feels that her DNA is worthy of replication) and I might be glib, but again, no more than those that will judge me based on my parental status rather than the person that I am and the contributions that I make.
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3 comments:
It's becoming abundantly clear to me that some people who The Question don't really care about The Answer. I think it's a question, like any other question, like "What do you think of this weather?" and usually has a much more immediate/visceral answer than "Do you have your Master's Degree? ...what in?" or "Do you think Bernanke was right to lower the federal rate in order to appease the stock market?"
I have been asked The Question repeatedly by a woman old enough to be my mom on the bus. She sat down next to me today, and asked, AGAIN. I realized that she never really cared or remembers what I answer.
I really wanted to answer "Yes, perhaps you do know my boy, he's President now. G.W. Bush?" or some similar BS. She also complained to the bus driver because of the heat and gave me a glare when I didn't help her carry a large box of cookies. When she helps me rack a 160lb SunFire V440 or remembers I told her I got a hernia racking one and that's why she didn't see me on the bus for 2 weeks, I'll offer to carry her cookies.
I don't think people care about the answers, just asking the questions... sometimes repeatedly.
"If I meet someone that doesn't want to get a pet, I don't immediately assume that they blow up frogs in their spare time."
I plan to use this line someday. I like it. The image it conjures is perfect.
Great post.
I'm a married woman and neither my husband nor i plan to have children - this is met with the usual consternation, and we are used to it. The big shocker was when a lady we know dished out thinly veiled barbs t how we were being self absorbed and materialistic, and think of children as an intrusion. that was funny especially coming from a woman who has a 5 year old, an affair at work, a husband who also has an affair at work, and a second child coming into all this.
I'm not judging, but self absorbed? really?
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