to a comment from an earlier post of mine. I figured that it would be more well read here than in the comments section of an older post.
My sister-in-law and her husband struggled with infertility and several miscarriages, and it broke my heart every time. I'm so thrilled that she is now less than two months away from giving birth to my first nephew. In fact, I have a guest room filled with all sorts of non-essential but totally fun baby stuff.
However, this is my personal blog. People who don't like it don't have to read it. This is a place where I can come to vent about things that happen in my life. When perfect strangers feel that they are welcome and justified to make comments (I'm talking IRL comments, not blog comments) about my personal life and my own decisions it pisses me off. Unlike those people, I never would dare to shoot back with similar snap judgements about their lives. Instead, I come to my personal blog, get it all out, and go back into the childed world with a smile on my face.
In fact, I believe that I am probably blogging here about the same people that tell my SIL that she should probably do this or not do that in order to prevent more miscarriages (when, in fact, her fertility doctor could find no reason why she was unable to stay pregnant.) The same person that asked one of my coworkers if her normally-rambunctious-for-his-age toddler had been fully screened by specialists for some sort of disorder.
Basically, what it comes down to is this: I (and pretty much every other woman of child-bearing age that chooses not to have children) have to listen to a lot of bullshit on a regular basis. And I'm not talking about "aw, children are so great." I'm talking about "how could you be so selfish as to not want children?", "what kind of person doesn't want to have children?", "my sister can't have kids, and I think it's just awful that you choose not to" and other personal attacks that people feel just fine and dandy about throwing at me because I decided to do something different than they did. Every day is like a new chance to be insulted!
Please understand that, if you're on the fence about kids, you have no clue what I am talking about. Saying "Oh, we're not ready yet" or "We'll see" elicits a much more polite response than "We have decided that we aren't having children."
For the record, I also don't really think that every person living south of the Mason-Dixon line hates black people.
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1 comment:
Wow. Um...I am taken aback. Ken, I know that I am not up on all the details of your life, however I actually do know more than you are aware. And I am also aware of the problems that the unnamed coworker has been having. And lastly, I am also aware of several other former coworkers who experienced a number of fertility problems. While details may not be spoken by you or others, you may be surprised what the daughter of a gynecologist can infer based on actions and unspoken words.
I too have a SIL who lost 4 pregnancies - one of which was twins. And even more sad, I have a friend who gave birth to a beautiful little girl with 6 heart defects (Ebstein’s Anomoly, Ventricular Septal Defect, Atrial Septal Defect, Partially Obstructed Partially Anomalous Pulmonary Veinous Return, Pulmonary Vein Stenosis, Wolfe Parkinson White). They were able to repair all the defects only to lose their little girl to progressive pulmonary vein stenosis. I cannot convey how heartbreaking this was and continues to be for my friends.
I've known the author of this blog for 17 years (ack!) and I've been friends with her throughout this decision for her. I respect her and her husband for the reasons why they made this decision (not all of which she has gotten into in this forum). I also know that they have gotten some unbelievable backlash from family, friends, coworkers, and random people. It is unbelievable how cruel people can be when you say that you've decided not to have children. Based on the reaction they get from people, you would think they proclaim that they eat baby meat for dinner.
Ken, I guess what bothers me the most is that you wrote your long comment in response to a post regarding the government's recommendation to treat all women as pre-pregnant. I cannot tell you if I will or won't have children someday (or will or won't experience fertility problems), however, I can tell you that I do not want to be told by the government that I am pre-pregnant.
While it may be an innocent way of telling me to exercise and take my multivitamins, I cannot help but construe the message that a highly conservative administration is sending me. This is the same administration that adopted "National Sanctity of Human Life Day" and actually used the following language in it: "On September 11, we saw clearly that evil exists in this world, and that it does not value life. Now we are engaged in a fight against evil and tyranny to preserve and protect life." I hope I don't have explain exactly how offensive this is.
I appreciated the reason why the author created her post and I concur that people should respect those who chose not to have children. In fact, I think it is rude for anybody to ask anybody about their desire or ability to have kids. WHY do I have any right to ask about your sex life? I don't and so, that's why I don't ever inquire when any of my friends plan to have kids.
It isn't fair to the author for me to open up a new can of worms here so I'll try to shut up now. Ken, my heart goes out to you and Vicky and anybody else who has fertility issues. And for the record, I believe that you and Vicky would indeed make good parents. You are a friend and all I wish for you is happiness and well being.
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