This One Goes To Eleven

This is Spinal Tap was on VH1 Classic today and I laughed for 2 hours. Great freaking movie.

I've been sick for the last four days, and this was a great way to end a shitty weekend.

Another One from the Idiot Breeder Files

Back in the 1800's when I was a kid, my mom would have kicked my ass if I ever even tried something like this. Apparently, these days, parents like Priscilla Ceballos are encouraging their little monsters to lie, cheat and steal to get anything and everything that their greedy little hearts desire.

I'm telling you, this is just the step between buying Bratleigh a toy every time she throws a temper tantrum in the store and killing her main cheerleading competition.

These are the kids that turn into the spoiled bitches that are always whining "But this isn't faaaiiirrr!" Kids need to be disappointed sometimes. They need to learn that life isn't always fair. In fact, life is usually very unfair.

Oh, and I'm also thrilled that this little bitch and her skank mom will be up here in my neck of the woods to claim their prize.

ETA: They had this story on the local news tonight and the little turd's tickets were taken back. They showed the mother and, as suspected, she was a total skank-bag complete with drawn on eyebrows.

What the Hell Are We Doing?

I know it's fun to look at things and occasionally point at them, but seriously, perhaps zoos are just a bad idea.

I mean, when you think about it, is it really all that smart to take an animal that can easily kill something 40 times the size of a human, stick in in a cage and then put humans right next to said cage?

NO! IT'S REALLY NOT!

What's the Word I'm Looking For?

Oh, yeah. It's WTF?!?!?!?!

According to TMZ.com and pretty much everyone else on the planet, vagina flashing pop whore Britney Spears' sixteen year old sister is pregnant.

Seriously, what the fuck? She's sixteen. She's pregnant. She's a Spears.

I've managed to go a whopping 31 years without getting pregnant. It's really not that hard. Really, girls. You just take a nice little pill every night before you go to bed and... shazam!... no baby!

I have all of these witty comments in my head, but they can't get out. They're terrified to enter a world where the third generation of this retarded family is growing exponentially.

Now, since I'm an adult and my IQ is higher than that of a green bean, I didn't realize, but apparently this chickie has a TV show on Nickelodeon. This is going to be a fantastic example to set for a generation of girls that are already dressing sexier than I ever have in my entire life. Hell, most of them are having sex at an age where I still thought boys were icky.

Boy am I glad my sister in law is having a son.

It's Begining to Look A Lot Like Christmas

Haha, what a cliche title!

But, alas, it is. We got about 6 inches of fluffy snow yesterday (with another 10-20 inches promised for Sunday) and it finally feels like Christmas is coming.

Here are some photos from my one and half hour drive home. The plowing was extremely pathetic for Upstate New York (as you will see from the second photo!)



The picture to your left is the cop car in front of me trying to get off
the Northway so he could either 1- get to the scene of another accident caused by what can only be a moron that forgot how to drive in the snow or 2- try to take advantage of the fact that the Dunkin Donuts is probably pretty empty.






This is just a nice shot of the shitty plow job they did. Please see this post for a reminder of what this highway looks like in the summer, same time of day.





Other than driving around asshats I really do love winter in the North.

Call Me a Snob, But

it makes me mental when I work with someone that has/is getting a "degree" from the University of Phoenix.

I'm a bricks-and-mortar-college kind of girl. I went to a college with buildings for my Bachelor's degree and I went to a college with even more buildings for my Master's degree. I sat in classrooms with people and professors, had to park my car in a parking lot and, when I went to night school for the MBA, had to eat my dinner during the 15 minute pee break (I didn't eat it while peeing, to clarify.)

I work with a girl now that is getting what she calls a master's degree from University of Phoenix. It really does irk me. I want to say, "No, I went to school for a Master's degree, you took out a loan to purchase one."

I don't even know where I am going with this post other than to rant a little about diploma mills. It seems there are so many people getting these purported MBAs from the corporation, and I'm really hoping that it's causing the value of my earned MBA to skyrocket.

Okay, the Amazing Race is going to start soon. Rant over.

Remember When...

Sometimes I have these flashbacks. Not in a PTSD way, but I'll hear a song, or just have a feeling and I go right back to a certain place in time.

Tonight M had to go to some Christmas party thing, so I get the evening to myself (well, me and my little Max!) Needless to say, I'm not going to bother cooking for one, and I've been craving a sub all week, so I ran out and got a delicious veggie sub.

As I was walking out of the shop, for whatever reason I totally flashed back to what it was like when I first got my driver's license and my parents would let me take the car out to run a quick errand. The excitement of walking out of the store and back to the car by yourself!! Finally carrying in your hand a set of keys that included car keys, getting in to the car alone to drive through the streets that you so many times travelled as a passenger. Knowing that, as people saw you approaching you car that they would know that you were a state issued card carrying adult!

It's really hard to explain in words, but for one fleeting second I remembered that feeling as I walked back to my car and it was awesome! I love those moments when something gets triggered in the depths of my brain like that.

The Bridge

This past Sunday, as the disappointing first winter storm of the season approached, M and I decided to be lazy and not leave the warmth of our house.

I have wanted to see the movie The Bridge ever since Howard Stern talked about how great it was. It finally appeared on the Independent Film Channel a few months ago so we set the DVR, where it's been ever since.

In case you are unfamiliar with this movie, it's a documentary filmed over the course of 2004. In that year, cameras were filming the Golden Gate Bridge daily and recorded the 24 suicides that took place in that time. Interspersed with this footage are interviews with the various friends and families of the victims and the people on the bridge and in the water below that witness their desperate final acts.

While the premise seems grim, it is a fantastic movie. It is gut wrenching to literally watch a human being fall to their death, especially after you hear his friends or parents talking about the days, months and years leading up to those four seconds. But these interviews are frank, endearing and eye-opening. You would think that the survivors would be sobbing, screaming about what they could have done to stop it, but most of them speak matter-of-factly. They state that this person was determined to end their life and that, one way or another, their loved one was going to do it.

Many of the victims suffered from severe mental illness, and their families seem to find some solace in the fact that the person is finally free.

I've posted before that I had a friend that took his own life. I don't know the circumstances (the how, the when or the why), but I know that he must have been more desperate than I could ever possibly understand. Suicide seems to be the last hush-hush cause of death. There are so many obits in the paper that read "stricken at home", which many times means suicide.

Suicide is basically death resulting from a mental illness, just as a fatal heart attack is death resulting from coronary disease. Why, in our society of vagina flashing celebutards, is something like suicide still considered taboo?

I think open discussion about suicide, and how it affects the people that are left behind, is so important. I read an article a few years ago (months after we lost our friend) that said suicide is third leading cause of death for people between 15 and 24.

It's 2007 and we still live in a world where mental illness is something to be ashamed of and suicide is something to be whispered about. How sad is that?

Salt

If you live in a place where the weather doesn't dictate when you put your Christmas lights out (i.e. "If I don't do it this weekend, I won't be able to get to my lamppost again until April"), then my subject line is merely a seasoning.

If, however, you spend five months out of the year having the following discussion with perfect strangers in line at the Price Chopper: "Bob Kovachick said two feet. Yeah, two feet! I'll have to get up and start shoveling at 4 am just to get to work on time!" then it's the substance that eats away at your ride and forces you to quickly learn how to maneuver your car over the ice at the exit of the car wash.

Last night we had our first dusting of snow, and it was significant enough to warrant local road crews to distribute a healthy layer of salt on the roads. I am so freaking relieved, because we are due to get somewhere between one and thirteen inches of snow (thanks for narrowing that down) starting tomorrow afternoon. Now that the roads are treated, I have a snowball's chance (no pun intended) of getting to work in under 45 minutes on Monday.

And yes, I have gotten up at 4 am to shovel two feet of snow off my driveway on several occasions. And yes, I get to work on time. There's no such thing as a snow day in upstate New York unless you go to school or work for the State.

Bring it on Old Man Winter!!!

But, The Bayybee!!

In another in the long string of parental entitlement stories, mommies and daddies are now asking that the airlines be responsible for the brats that they, themselves, don't want to travel with.

As if being the last line of defense against terrorism isn't enough, now these people expect airline employees to make sure that precious Bratleigh (or Bratlee if they were 15 when they shot her out) has the most satisfying travel experience possible.

As you will see in this article, Susan Cole and her magical uterus were upset that Southwest employees wouldn't promise to ensure that her twelve year old son would be hand delivered on a down filled, silk line pillow to his father upon his arrival Houston. Not only that, they wouldn't allow him to board the flight early in order to assure that the spoiled brat had his pick of the seats.

I'm surprised she wasn't upset that the stewardess wouldn't breast feed the kid in the even that he got hungry en route.

Okay, here's the deal. If you're too damn busy to travel with your kid, and he's too fucking retarded to fly by himself then he should stay home. This kid is twelve years old. When I was twelve I was babysitting the newborn baby next door at night. I fed her, changed her, sang her to sleep and put her down for the night. I'm pretty sure my ass could have walked on a plane, and then off a plane alone. I probably also could have identified my own father's face by merely looking for it. Was I an amazing child genius? Maybe, but irrelevant.

This is just another case of a coddled brat whose mommie won't cut the cord. Hell, there are kids his age committing rape in Georgia. I'm pretty sure this little gem can manage to put on foot in front of the other, sit for four hours and then foot in front again.

The other part of the article that I like was: "Some parents say they were surprised to get to the gate and then learn that their child's trip would cost an extra fee." Yes, it should cost extra to make the staff of the airplane babysit your kid! Just because you don't care enough about him or her to actually sit on the fucking plane yourself, doesn't mean that other people will!

These people are just one step below the ones that let their kids run around in the aisles for the whole flight and think that the rest of us feel blessed to listen to their monsters screech for three hours while trapped in an airtight container with them.

I'm pretty sure that there are good parents out there, and these yahoos are giving them a terrible name.

What the

FUCK?!?!?!

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/law/11/19/child.rape/index.html

Being Childfree in a Childed World

I am joining scores of other Purple Women who are blogging today about what it's like to be a childfree woman.

"Baby hater", "selfish", "glib". I, and probably every other childfree woman that has outed herself, have had these and similarly hate fueled comments hurled in our direction every now and again.

Let's face it, we live in a child-centric world. Parents are given subsidies in the form of tax rebates, non-parents are expected to pick up the slack at work when the childed have to take time off from work for illness, clarinet concerts and baby's first three week extravaganza at Disney World. Hell, people that give birth to litters of babies get to go on The Today Show and shill for diapers, college money and vans. And they usually get it.

The first question most people will ask you when you meet them is "Do you have children?" Why not ask me if I have a Master's Degree (I do) or if I've ever been to Spain (I haven't)? Of all the questions that a stranger can ask, it's funny to think that the most common has to do with how productive you and your partner are in bed.

What I have found most interesting is that people generally feel that if you don't want kids then you must hate them. It's the whole "if you aren't with us you're against us" mentality. Even people that don't have kids but want them someday view you as the enemy. If I meet someone that doesn't want to get a pet, I don't immediately assume that they blow up frogs in their spare time.

I think the most frustrating thing about being childfree is the fact that most people won't take you seriously. I can't count the number of times that people have told me that I will change my mind, or that they knew someone just like me and now she has 15 kids. As if I need to be reassured that if I keep the faith, someday I can be a normal mommy.

I have vivid memories of myself at 13 knowing that I shouldn't be a mother. I went through a period where I thought I should have kids, but after thinking about the reality of children knew that 13-year-old-me was really on to something. I've held newborn babies and smelled their little heads and had them hold my finger in their tiny hands and look into my eyes. It's magical and amazing, but I still don't want to be a mother.

In less than two months I will be an aunt for the first time, and I can't wait! I can't wait to meet my nephew for the first time. I can't wait to hear his first word, watch his first steps, see him play Little League and go off to his prom. I still don't want to be a mother.

I am childfree and proud. I am however, not a baby hater, not selfish (or no more so than someone that feels that her DNA is worthy of replication) and I might be glib, but again, no more than those that will judge me based on my parental status rather than the person that I am and the contributions that I make.

Momma's Still Got It

We went to see Chris Cornell in concert at a little dive bar last night and the parts that I could see were fantastic. Being 5'0" general admission concerts are my arch nemesis. You can't go up front because you could get killed in a mosh pit or just squashed up against the stage. No matter where you stand, the Guiness record holder for both height and hair largeness standing in front of you.

So, for the few minutes that I was able to see around the large girl with the large perm in front of me, I was able to catch live glimpses of the most beautiful man ever to grace the planet:


He looked amazing, although to my dismay he didn't take his shirt off. The whole band went shirtless for the encore except him. He did wear a tank top and I was able to get an eyeful of his tattooed biceps. Yum.

So, since M is well over six feet tall and wanted to get as close as possible, he went for it and I stayed back with all of the other shrimps and wimps. At first I was bummed because I was at a concert alone. Then I decided that I would perform a fun experiment. Rather than staring at my shoes, I put my head up and a smile on my face. Turns out that if j were to ever become single, she shouldn't have too much trouble finding a gentleman companion. Me go girl!

I didn't go so far as to try to get someone to buy me a drink, even though I was dying of thirst (M had the credit card and I left everything but my ID at home.) I'm totally sure that I could have gotten one, but I told the guy that I was married. Good thing I did, too, because M came back before the end of the encore and then I would have felt like a total jerk.

After spending a third of my life with the same person, it's nice to know that I don't look like an old maid yet!

The Good Old Days

This morning over breakfast M and I were discussing our childhoods and how different things are today. I was reminiscing about when my friends and I used to meet up in the morning and set out on our bikes, riding around for hours and hours sometimes returning home for lunch, sometimes not until dinner.

Twenty (gasp) plus years later, I can still remember all of the good times we had riding around the neighborhood, through the woods and anywhere else we could manage to maneuver our trusty Schwinn's.

Flash forward to 2007. Now, I see kids riding their bikes up and down their driveways. Lame!! I wonder what they would think about a time when you didn't have to worry about perverts, kidnapping and all of the other calamities waiting around every corner.

I've often wondered whether society was just more reckless back then, or are the risks actually more real now? Back in the 80's information was available in limited doses. You could read the newspaper or watch the local news. Things that were going on in Smalltown, Iowa probably weren't being reported in Tinyville, Pennsylvania and vice versa. Now, just hop on the computer and there's more news than one person could possibly read.

For example, would a woman my age walking through a parking lot alone in 1983 be as paranoid and hyper-aware as I am in 2007? Did she have to be? Do I have to be?

In his book The Lexus and The Olive Tree Thomas L. Friedman talks about globalization and the fact that in the last few decades, the world has become smaller thanks to the democratization of technology, finance and information. Friedman is applying the globalization concept to business, but it definitely translates into regular everyday life.

Back in the day, if a woman was abducted in a mall parking lot in Minnesota, would it really make that much news in New York? And if it did, did Minnesota seem so far and distant that it didn't rattle people that much? Now, Minnesota seems like it's just the next town over. Hell, when Madeline McCann was kidnapped (allegedly) in Portugal, it rattled parents all over the world just as it would have if she'd been taken from the next door neighbor's front porch.

Are we just more aware of the risks today because no place is really a "far off land" anymore? Or are people becoming more sinister and evil? Am I really more likely to be attacked in the mall parking lot today? Or do I just read more stories on CNN.com and get more emails warning me about the tricks of the rapist trade?

I would hope it's just that we're all just more aware, because the idea that the human race has deteriorated that much in the last thirty years is a really crappy thought!

In Response

to a comment from an earlier post of mine. I figured that it would be more well read here than in the comments section of an older post.

My sister-in-law and her husband struggled with infertility and several miscarriages, and it broke my heart every time. I'm so thrilled that she is now less than two months away from giving birth to my first nephew. In fact, I have a guest room filled with all sorts of non-essential but totally fun baby stuff.

However, this is my personal blog. People who don't like it don't have to read it. This is a place where I can come to vent about things that happen in my life. When perfect strangers feel that they are welcome and justified to make comments (I'm talking IRL comments, not blog comments) about my personal life and my own decisions it pisses me off. Unlike those people, I never would dare to shoot back with similar snap judgements about their lives. Instead, I come to my personal blog, get it all out, and go back into the childed world with a smile on my face.

In fact, I believe that I am probably blogging here about the same people that tell my SIL that she should probably do this or not do that in order to prevent more miscarriages (when, in fact, her fertility doctor could find no reason why she was unable to stay pregnant.) The same person that asked one of my coworkers if her normally-rambunctious-for-his-age toddler had been fully screened by specialists for some sort of disorder.

Basically, what it comes down to is this: I (and pretty much every other woman of child-bearing age that chooses not to have children) have to listen to a lot of bullshit on a regular basis. And I'm not talking about "aw, children are so great." I'm talking about "how could you be so selfish as to not want children?", "what kind of person doesn't want to have children?", "my sister can't have kids, and I think it's just awful that you choose not to" and other personal attacks that people feel just fine and dandy about throwing at me because I decided to do something different than they did. Every day is like a new chance to be insulted!

Please understand that, if you're on the fence about kids, you have no clue what I am talking about. Saying "Oh, we're not ready yet" or "We'll see" elicits a much more polite response than "We have decided that we aren't having children."

For the record, I also don't really think that every person living south of the Mason-Dixon line hates black people.

Shoe Whore

I love shoes. Imelda Marcos is my hero.

Today, I wore a pair of boots to work that I didn't particularly like. I mean, I like the shoes, I just didn't like them with the particular outfit. The shoes were light brown and I really needed a dark brown pair with the outfit. So, I did what any college educated girl would do; I drove to the mall on my lunch break and bought a new pair of shoes.

My husband is having a hard time comprehending why 1- I wore a pair of shoes that I didn't like and 2- that the solution was to purchase a new pair of shoes. I tried to explain that I didn't own a pair of dark brown boots, therefore it was necessary for me to purchase them. Men just don't get it.

The whole time I was in the shoe store, this song was running through my head.

Attention Child Free Readers

I know I only have about 3 readers, but if you read this and know someone that it would pertain to, please pass this info along.

On November 15th a group called Purple Women and Friends is asking child free women to blog about being child free in a child centric world. You can go to their site to learn more about the group and the 11/15 event.

So, even if you plan on being a parent some day, support someone that you know that's making a different choice!

This Week In Entertainment News

• Christina Aguilera confirms she's knocked up. Who gives a shit.
• Dog the Bounty Hunter is a racist. Wait, a guy with a mullet hates black people? Nuh-uh!
• Heather Mills claims she almost committed suicide. Wah, people hate me because I swindled the world's most beloved icon.
• The Writer's Guild of America voted to go on strike. So the fuck what? Can't a monkey in a diaper write most of the shit on TV today?

In case people weren't aware, there's a war going on. Thousands of our people are being killed in Iraq and Afghanistan (among other places) every day. There's a massive genocide going on in Darfur. Pakistan is operating under martial law.

I understand that the state of Britney's vagina is very important, not only to the economic stability, but also the future of American relations with other international superpowers. But, is anyone else depressed as crap by the fact that it seems to be more important than the fact that there are more than 11 million children in sub-Saharan Africa that are orphaned as a result of AIDS?

Recently Spotted in the Mullet Capital of New York State

Okay, where to begin?

• Why would I want a massage from someone with a sign made primarily of masking tape, paper and a wooden board? Somehow, I think those massages mostly end in criminal charges.
• Is the same person offering both services? What if they get confused? Someone could end up paralyzed.

I'm almost tempted to call that number and ask how many takers there have been on either the karate and/or the massage. I can't imagine there are many.

Max's Birthday

Today is the birthday that we chose for Max when we adopted him. It's the halfway point between our birthdays. Our birthdays are only four days apart, so calculating this date wasn't a brain buster.

Here's a photo of my baby enjoying a piece of doggie birthday cake. I think he would agree that today is the best birthday ever!

I Got Breeder Bingoed

I was doing some check print auditing last week, and I total got Breeder Bingoed, by a man, nonetheless!

I was having a perfectly civil conversation about the fact that we found no reason to "upgrade" during the housing boom because we already have 3 bedrooms and 2.5 baths for 2 people and a beagle. I really don't need anymore shit to clean. I can't even clean what I already have! The response to my having said this was "Yeah, but it won't seem like that much space once you have kids." My first thought was to be annoyed that one would make such an assumption. My second thought was to feel bad that most people out there truly don't realize that having kids is an option.

So, I gave my standard "we aren't having kids" response which I have practiced and managed to sustain an even, matter-of-fact, non-disgusted tone to my voice. All of a sudden, as if a breeder B52 swooped in out of nowhere: "We used to be like you!", "Kids are totally worth it!", "You can't say you'll never have kids!", "You'll change your mind!"

It took all I had not to respond back "You weren't like me, because you had kids, they might be totally worth it for you, but not everyone has to make the same choices as you, I can say I will never have kids, because my short term plans include sterilization and I will not change my mind, because I have never in 31 years wanted to be a mother, except for a short period when I hated my job and thought it would be a convenient way to get out of working." Instead I just let his sad self go on and on, as if convincing himself, how fabulous being a parent is.

Then he got a call from his wife stating that one kid needed braces and he was volunteered to chaperon a Jr. High School dance (to which he responded "I hate teenagers.") I simply laughed to myself and though "sucker."

If you're reading this, and you're a parent, let me tell you this: I think you will be more likely to regret your decision to have children than I will to regret mine not to. The difference between me and you is that I have enough couth to keep my opinion to myself. Your decisions are yours, and mine are mine. The next time you meet someone that is child free, keep your mouth shut. We've heard all of your bullshit before and we really don't care. We're happy that you find happiness in snotty noses, vomit stained carpets and the prospect of $150,000 college educations. We find happiness in other places. Please respect that. Have you ever noticed how a child free person has never suggested that you abort your unborn child because you might regret it? Take a lesson.

Idiots

I just saw a teaser for tonight's local newscast in which they have gathered some mothers that say regarding lead-laden toys from China, "I thought the government had more laws in place to protect our children from this!"

Look, bitch, how the hell is the government going to protect your crotch droppings from toys that have lead?!? Should we have our border patrols ignore looking out for terrorists to test every My Little Fucking Pony that comes over? How about teach your little brats not to shove everything in it's mouth? Just because Mommy does it, doesn't mean it's right.

It's nice to see that the idiots are multiplying.

My Dante's Inferno

I had to go to Babies 'R Us today (I declared outside that I choose "us") and it was horrible. Every woman in there was knocked up and it was a nightmare.

I'm excited to become an aunt in a few months, but I'm going to have to start ordering things on the internet, because I can't keep doing that.

And here's something for you: they have baby wipe warmers. God forbid you clean a baby's shit smeared ass with a room temperature wipe. Oh, the horror!!

My Thoughts on The Whole Ellen Thing

Not that I think my thoughts on anything are all that important, but it's my blog and I can do what I want.

I am a fierce shelter advocate. I volunteer at a local shelter, my furbaby is from a shelter, we donate more money to shelters than any other organization and I will tell anyone who will listen (and some who won't) to please adopt pets from shelters not breeders.

That being said, I completely 100% agree with the rescue group Mutts and Moms (for whom I can't link to because they had to inactivate their Petfinder site after being harassed to bits by fervent Ellen fans/fat soccer moms.) Okay, Ellen seems like a kind, funny, good person. But, the fact of the matter remains that it is standard operating procedure for rescue groups and shelters to require adopters to return a dog/cat/ferret/fish/etc. that doesn't work out back to said group.

Let's look at it this way: A family goes to a shelter to adopt a dog. The shelter does a home visit and finds that the home is not suitable. The kids are too young and rambunctious for the somewhat skittish dog, the house doesn't have a fence and one will not be put in, and this dog is an escape artist. So, the decision is made to not adopt the dog to this family. Mom decides that her precious little babies deserve that dog, being that they are the fruit of her magical womb. So, she asks her friend with a teenager and a fenced in yard to please adopt the dog and give it to her. The friend does this, and the dog ends up biting on of the kids after it pulls the dogs tail. Now the shelter gets sued.

See where this is going?

Shelters and rescue groups are not for profits usually partially or completely staffed by volunteers. We're not talking about Fortune 500 companies with enough resources to apply the rules on a case by case basis. These groups create rules in order to protect the group, the animals and the public. I'm sure if she had contacted the group directly and said "Listen, this isn't working out for my family, however, my friend and her family would love to adopt this dog and I hope that you would consider moving him there" things would have worked out better.

Instead she did what she wanted and is now using her TV show to create endless problems for a group that she feels has "wronged" her by not letting her do whatever the fuck she wanted. And let's face it, just because someone is famous doesn't mean they aren't up to shenanigans and completely insane (Britney Spears, anyone?)

This whole thing just pisses me off. Shelters and rescues have enough problems without being demonized by some spoiled brat that didn't get her way.

Yeah, But She's Mature For Her Age

They claim it's an error in the wording, but let's face it: the South is backwards. I'm willing to bet there's at least one or two hundred thousand pedophiles rushing to tie the knot before they change this law.

Sweet Baby Jesus...

An Important Notice About Cubicles

A cubicle is, by nature, not an office. The walls don't reach to the ceiling and there is no door. This means that there is no privacy in a cube.

This may not come as a surprise to most, but I'm willing to bet that it would to the girl that is interested in trying Yaz, because she tracked her moods on the website and she thinks that it might be beneficial for her. She's been on Ortho Tri-Cyclene for the last few years, but...

At this point I started up a conversation with the girl that sits next to me, because I kind of felt bad that I was eavesdropping, even though I really wasn't, I was just being not deaf.

Conversations with the following should be held on one's cell phone in one's car with the doors closed:
OB/GYN
Proctologist
Urologist
Affair partner
Potential new employer

This is by no means a complete list, but I think you get the point.

What's the Point...

My husband watches a lot of college football so sometimes, by association, I end up accidentally watching it. Today, I was contemplating what is the point of cheerleaders?

First, let's examine the etymology of the word (with the help of dictionary.com) "Cheer": a shout of encouragement, approval, congratulation. "Leader": a guiding or directing head. So, what were talking about is an individual to guide the process of shouting encouragement.

Is this really necessary? I've been to a lot of sporting events at all levels and never once have I been sitting in a crowd of silent people looking around, puzzled and muttering "Now what? What are we supposed to do?" Then, like Superman swooping down from the sky, in somersaults taaa daa!!! THE CHEERLEADERS!! Thanks to their hours of intensive training and God given skill The Cheerleaders were able to guide us through a series of rhythmic phrases and changes of tone and volume. As if by miracle, the crowd is now able to cheer and the team, unable to perform in the deafening silence, is cheered to sweet victory! At the end of the game, as the tears flow the team owner goes on national television to tell the world that, had it not been for the grace and courage of The Cheerleaders, none of this would have been possible.

I mean, really, has that happened? I haven't heard about it, and I'm pretty sure that I would have heard.

So, what is the point? Why does any sports team need a group of barely dressed women in ponytails shaking pom poms and making the #1 sign with their fingers? How does this serve any purpose?

That's why I like baseball and hockey. No cheerleaders.

I Like Karma

It's always fun to see Karma in action. This past week I received my high school alumni magazine. As I was flipping through there was a group photo of some people from around the year that I graduated (a long, long, long time ago; our mascot was a real, live dinosaur!) So, I was looking at the caption and matching it up to the people in the photo and most looked as I remembered them, except for one. I won't use his real name, so I'll make one up. We'll call him Fanny Sotlow.

In high school he was a total asshole. He treated his girlfriends like shit, he was nasty, arrogant and pretty dumb. But, he was good looking and I think, blame it on raging hormones, a lot of people gave him a pass. Well, old Fanny here was in said photograph and he is now fat and amazingly unattractive. I really had to study this photograph to see any resemblance to the kid that I knew and loathed in school.

Perhaps now that he's ugly, he has developed a personality (kind of like how blind people have a better sense of hearing), but I doubt it. I just love karma!

It Must Be Friday

You know, I had a nice day at work, and I got to leave right on time. Yay, right?

No, wrong. I get on the Northway (at the very beginning) and traffic is stopped. Now, all of the annoying, driving-impaired motorists/tourists should be back in New Jersey and Quebec by this time of year, so I'm quite frankly baffled by this traffic.

I have Sirius in my car, so I call my mother to get the scoop. Nothing. So much for the drawback of satellite radio being that you don't get those super accurate traffic reports.

Twenty minutes later I'm slowly and not-so-surely approaching exit 6 when I see plumes of black smoke overhead. Then, a firetruck races up the right shoulder, shortly followed by one up the left shoulder. Shit. I'm never getting home.

About 10 cars in front of me, they shut down not one, not two but all three f'ing lanes of the Northway, so now I have to make my way from the left lane to the exit ramp. And all of the super awesome other drivers were so cool to let me go.*

Thankfully, the fire was right under the exit overpass, so I was able to get right back on at exit 6 at which time (since the highway was closed behind me) I was able to do 80 the rest of the way home. Here's a photo from the local news of the clusterfuck:




*sarcasm

Nerd Alert!!

I just started reading The Age of Turbulence by Alan Greenspan. I'm two pages in, and captivated beyond belief.

I'm just going to come right out and say it. I am in love with Alan Greenspan.

One of my college Econ professors told us (in his Indian accent) that "Alan Greenspan is married to a woman that is much younger than he. He has a lot of stamina... if you know what I mean."

I don't know if it was more disturbing to hear a small Indian Economics professor say something like this, or to think about Mr. Greenspan in such a manner. Regardless, I've never been able to look at old Al the same way again.

One of Those Days

Don't you hate when you realize at the very end of a long work day that you neglected to put on deodorant?

I would also like to point out that I do this often enough that I keep a spare in my car. Of course, it does me no good when I don't catch on until 5 minutes before I have to leave.

I really hope no one noticed. I don't want to be known as the stinky new girl.

An Open Letter...

... to the guy on the Northway.

Please speed it up when there is a break in the gridlock. The speed limit is 55, which means that you can go 55. Hell, I'll let you in on a little secret: you can probably get away with 65; live on the edge!! Every freaking day there's a break in the traffic between exit 5 and exit 6. SPEED IT UP! I understand that you are a very big boy driving a very small car, but I bet if you put the pedal to the metal you might be able to get that little putt putt moving. And yes, your "Starfleet Academy" window sticker leads me to believe that you probably don't have some hot piece of ass waiting for you back in your mom's basement. But still, the faster you go, the sooner you can go home and jerk it to Revenge of the Sith.

In closing, I implore you for the good of the whole region: please, please do not go 30 miles per hour when there is no traffic and we are not in a Road Work Zone. I bet that Capt. Picard would go at least 60 in the old Enterprise! Go for it Milton!!

Thank you,
The Girl with the Active Middle Finger

Week Three

I've been at the new job for almost three weeks, and I've already done more work than I did in three years at my last job.

I had almost forgotten what it was like for a day to fly by because I'm too busy to stare at the clock.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being overly optimistic, but at least I can say that, without a doubt, I made the right decision.

Of course, the flip side of being so busy is that by the time I get home I am wiped out! I need to really get into a rhythm here so I can function after work. If I don't get my shit together soon, we'll all be buried under the clutter that is taking over my house.

I'm going to sleep now. And I'm actually looking forward to work tomorrow! WOW!!!

Ha ha!

Tomorrow the little yard apes up here go back to school.

I plan to point at them and laugh when I pass their bus stops on my way to work.

Alert- Important Study Complete

I read this, and I was just shocked. Who would have ever thought that this would be the case?!?!

Oh, right, anyone with a penis or anyone that knows someone that has ever had a penis.

Christ.

Road Rage

This fucker cut me off on my way home...


... and then moved into the left lane, at which time traffic in that lane promptly came to a stop and I buzzed past him/her. Haha.

I hope (s)he gets a hot dog stuck up his/her tailpipe this weekend (interpret as you will.)

I LOVE THE ONION!!

This is why.

More Pathetic Catholic Denial

Vatican diplomat Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone made the following statements while in Nashville:

• That the Church responded to US clergy baby raping with "dignity and courage"
• That the "business" created around said baby raping was "unbearable"
• That he couldn't "understand how a person in public office or one engaged in political activity can be obliged to renounce his Catholic identity..."

My head almost exploded when I read this in the paper this morning. First, how is ignoring something that went on for decades and then only addressing it (poorly) when the mainstream media got a hold of it, dignified or courageous?!? Way back in 1999 before the shit hit the fan, I made a comment at my rehearsal dinner that our priest was acting like an ass at the rehearsal due to his dismay at our lack of a ring bearer to molest. My brainwashed mother-in-law was shocked and appalled that I could make such a statement about a man of the cloth! Fast forward a few years, and it doesn't seem so bold anymore.

Look, I went to church, I took the CCD classes. I took First Communion and renounced it all before Confirmation (all I wanted to confirm is that I need to get the hell outta there.) I'm not speaking as an outsider. Everyone in that sick and twisted organization knew exactly what was going on. Mothers just sat by, hands wringing, praying to "God" that it wasn't her baby being raped. No one- no fathers, no mothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents- stepped in and actually stopped any of this bullshit. These sick fuckers really believed that sacrificing their children to these pedophiles was going to be their ticket into heaven. Does that sound like fucking dignity?!?

Now, the business to which this head baby raper refers to is the fact that victims are suing the churches. Yes, these young entrepreneurs who had to endure years and years of suffering (read: hemorrhoids, nightmares, shame and terror) decided that this would be a terrific business plan. The Vatican is the richest entity in the world. They used this money to cover up what was going on and to move baby raping priest around the country on a baby raping tour. Now they're pissed that they have to pay for funding this?

Is your head exploding yet?

Finally, I will just say that after all of this, they can't understand why a public official might be gun shy to walk around going "I support baby rape!" It's really not that confusing when you look at it like an educated adult.

Oh, wait... never mind.

Sadness

Our friend committed suicide three years ago, and it's something that we will probably never get over. He was a wonderful, funny, intelligent person that always made you feel like you were something special, just by being your friend. Apparently the wonderful person that we all saw was hiding some horrible demons. And I don't talk nice about people just because they are dead. Some people that I know of who are gone were assholes.

Every once in a while I google him. I don't know why. I guess in this age of technology it's the most logical way to try to connect with someone that's just out of reach. Each time I google him, I notice there are fewer and fewer results and it makes me sad as hell. I just did it tonight, and I came up with: a link that I assume has to do with his father; two college newspaper stories- one that he wrote and the other his obit; the MySpace page of someone else that misses him; the results of a 5K race that he ran.

So, hopefully this will pop up in a search engine, and someone else who's thinking of Phil DiPisa will see that I am too!

Farewell, Scooter!

Yankee great Phil Rizzuto passed away today.

For those of you that aren't baseball fans, but are pop culture fans, you might recognize him from his play-by-play of double entendres in Meatloaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light (Here he comes, squeeze play/ It's gonna be close/ Here's the throw, here's the play at the plate/ Holy cow, I think he's gonna make it...)

In an age of classless, personality deficient athletes (and celebrities for that matter) Rizzuto was a blast to listen to and watch. Listening to him call games from the booth would undoubtedly result in laughter and eye rolling.

But, hey, we still have Mike Vick...

Vacation!!

So, we're on vacation this week. Not a traveling vacation. The stay home and enjoy the place with the mortgage kind of vacation.

On our travels about town this morning we saw the following:

I don't know if it translates as well in this high quality cell phone photo, but it's a tiny camper being towed by a tinier Hyundai, so it basically looks like a tiny camper driving itself. It was rather amusing to be driving behind.

And while we were out, I discovered another reason to be happy to be child-free. Three words: Kate Spade sunglasses. I never in a million years would have thought I would spend more than $25 on a pair on sunglasses, but we were in this store and one thing lead to another and now I have sunglasses made by someone I have heard of! I'm still having some guilt over spending more than $25 on a pair of sunglasses, but I think I'll be able to get over that. Just in case, I haven't removed the tag yet. Yes, I am walking around with a tag on my sunglasses. But, I have long, thick hair, so I can hide it effectively.

A week from now I will have completed my first day at my new job. I'm still not overly excited, but I'm not filled with dread, so I guess that's a good thing.

Child Free Person Ranting Here

Okay, I know I'm not a parent and I don't understand how hard it is to keep a two foot tall, 50 pound person under any sort of control, but I'm really starting to get concerned about all of the shitty parenting going on in the world.

Two specific things that are getting under my skin lately- Madeleine McCann, the little girl that disappeared from her bedroom at a resort in Portugal while her parents were eating dinner at a restaurant that was shockingly not located within the confines of their hotel suite. I get that sometimes you need to get away from your kids for a little while because they are huge pains in the ass, but I'm thinking that safety would dictate the use of a babysitter rather than just taking off. I mean, if you leave your kids in a hotel room alone at night, you really have to expect that something bad is probably going to happen. Somewhere between a clogged toilet and kidnapping/murder.

Second thing- all of these insanely self absorbed people that can't seem to remember to take their children- their own flesh and blood- out of the car and instead effectively roast them to death in back seats. Seriously, how hard is it to remember that you have a kid and that said kid is in the car? I'm conscious 24 hours of the day that I 1- have a dog and 2- don't have any yard apes. My dad let me tumble off the changing table when I was a pup, but he always remembered to take me out of the freaking car!

I think, in this world of self obsession that there are a lot of people that feel it's their duty to create new people from (what they believe is) their superior DNA. Then, to their surprise they find out that kids require gasp attention!?!?! Around the clock?!? You mean I can't sit them in the kitchen behind gates with a bowl of water while I go out with my friends?!

I'm pretty sure a kid created by me and my husband would be a decent member of society. Of course, the mixture of our DNA certainly carries the risk of creating a serial killer, but it could also make a brain surgeon. It could go either way. But, in any event, I don't want to be a mom. I want to do what I want, when I want with who I want. I don't want to go to t-ball games in high waisted pants and a bad haircut to cheer for "Dylan", "Avery" and "Brittney". I don't want to understand how bowel movement consistency changes with age. I don't' want someone walking into my bedroom at 3 am and stating the following: "Mommy, I don't feel well... bbbaaaarrrrffffffff!!!!!"

Selfish? Hell, no! What's selfish is feeling this way and having kids anyways because you owe it to society or your mother-in-law or the Church. Fuck them!!!

Okay, I'm stepping off my soapbox now and taking a nap (because I can.)

Pining for Autumn

It's an amazing 59 degrees here right now. I have all of the windows open and am in my glory. This is the greatest August day ever!!!

In other news, I am officially unemployed for one week until I start my new job. I'm not really excited or nervous or anything. I don't know if it's because we're off for a week and I'm just focusing on that, or if it's because I've changed jobs so many times that it's old hat.

The breeze that is blowing through my living room right now is heaven...

It Seems Like Only Yesterday...

... that I resigned, but three weeks have come and gone and tomorrow is my last day!!

Since one of the women that I work with is on vacation tomorrow, we had my goodbye party today. I wanted to get subs from this local place, so we ordered from there, and everyone pitched in and paid for mine! Then we had cake, plus there was Dunkin' coffee and donuts (my favs!) in the morning.

I really do love the people that I work with and I'm going to miss them so much. We had a lot of fun, but they are all looking to leave too, and I wouldn't want to be last man standing. I had my exit interview today and I basically told them that the only reason that I am leaving is because I have nothing to do. I think it's pretty sad that this is the case, but this is apparently what my boss wants.

Of course, there was no "official" announcement, and being the ethically-driven asshole that I am, I haven't said goodbye to anyone outside my department. I feel bad about it, but in the end, they just look like jerks for not making an announcement. Since most of the people in our company know that our department is a disaster, I'm sure people will understand.

In any case, I have to decide what I am going to wear for my last day. Oh! I get to start over with a whole new clothing cycle. It will be nice to not have to stress about when the last time I paired certain tops with pants for a few weeks. Yay for people that have never been exposed to my wardrobe!

I'm so grateful that it's finally over. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Me and Husband Goin Down to South Park

Totally cool!!!

http://images.southparkstudios.com/games/create/

A New Addition to the Family

So I broke down and bought the new TV. Watching little tiny me try to get it out of the shopping cart (keep in mind those wheels) and into my car must have been pretty entertaining.

The more exciting show will be tonight as we hoist it up onto our TV mount and very technically attach (read: duct tape) it to the mount. No, it's not one of those fancy, shmancy flat panel mounts. It's the kind your gym had back in 2000.

I'm actually more confident in this TV staying on it than our late TV just due to the fact that it is lighter and has a smaller base. I still plan to secure it with straps, duct tape and bungee cords, if necessary.

Remember when you were a kid and the only thing you had to worry about was whether there was any Capri Sun left in the fridge?

Sad News

Our bedroom TV has gone to the entertainment center in the sky.

I was enjoying some sort of non-educational, zero-redeeming-value E! or MTV programming when all of a sudden *poof* and a smell that would curl your nose hairs. Let me tell you- electronic equipment decomp is nasty.

We're pricing out some LCD flat panels, but we don't have HD in our bedroom (or in the rest of the house for that matter), so that is completely irrelevant.

Tonight should be fun. The husband can't sleep without the TV on, so he'll be a pleasure and a half at bedtime. I'm pretty sure that I will be forced to hit Wal Mart and just freaking buy the TV that we were looking at this afternoon. I hate to just buy something that expensive, but I also hate when the man is a giant whining pain in my ass.

So, as you watch your TV tonight, take a moment to appreciate it because tomorrow... well, who knows what tomorrow will bring.

RIP TV January 30, 1999 - July 29, 2007

Two Weeks To Go

First, I'd like to thank this person for fucking up my morning:





I just wanted to get to the dealership to get my car inspected so I could get on with my life. But, no, you have to go ahead and shut two freaking lanes of the Northway down. Thanks!!


I only have two weeks left at my current job and they are going to make it as miserable as possible. That's fine with me. The more they fuck with me, the happier I am with my decision. This past week they tried to tell me that my position required 4 weeks of notice. FOUR WEEKS. I haven't had shit to do for two years, and now you're going to ask me to hang around for another four weeks?!? I politely said no, and then we got special permission from HR for a mere three weeks (which is still completely ridiculous). Just in case HR said no I packed all of my personal affects. I only gave three weeks to get my banked time off paid out. If I wasn't getting that, I was leaving.


My boss comes back from vacation on Monday, so that should be fun. He always thinks that everyone is out to get him (like if he messes up a file, he'll walk around telling everyone that this guy from one of our other corps probably went into the file and messed it up on purpose) so I'm sure this separation won't be pleasant. For the next two years, any time something goes wrong he'll tell everyone that I probably did that before I left. Yeah, I have nothing better to do than screw with your shit before I leave. This place is nuts.

Take This Job and...

So, after months of interviewing I finally got a new job! I quit my current pain in the ass job yesterday, and a giant weight has been lifted from my extremely sore shoulders!

My boss is on vacation, so I had to hand my resignation in to his boss. She didn't really seem to care, and I'm pretty sure that when my boss gets back he won't be shedding any tears either!

So, obviously, I'm thrilled to finally be free and I'm certainly looking forward to having some work to do. We had a meeting today, and boss' boss alluded to something that they've been working on, and made a comment that leads me to assume that she believes I'm involved in said project. It really depressed the crap out of me to realize that 1- I had absolutely no involvement in this project and 2- last year I was completely involved in this. It just made me so sad, because I really think I could have had a decent career with this place.

I think I'm suffering from some "survivor's guilt" in that a lot of my coworkers are looking for new positions, and now I feel bad that I'm busting out of there and they are still waiting. I know they are all happy for me, but at the same time I know they are all frustrated with their own situations.

In any event, I'm really excited for this new job, so we'll see how long it takes for this one to go down the shitter!! Ha ha.

The Power of Celine

"Where Does My Heart Beat Now" by Celine Dion is playing on the Traffic Now channel on my TV. It makes the local commute seem far more dramatic than it is.

That is all.

I Know Some People That Need To Move Here

Sisterhood My Ass

I'm going to come right out and say this- I really don't like women. I hate working for them, I hate working with them and I pretty much would rather not associate with most of them socially.

Regardless of what you hear, there is no "sisterhood" among women. It's more like a super bitchy sorority where everyone is competing for attention, and rather than actually do something to deserve it, they just cut down everyone else to make themselves look better.

One cold, hard fact that most, if not all, married women have learned is that nothing turns your friends against you like your wedding. I don't think I know a single woman (myself included) that didn't lose at least one or two friends at some point between "Guess what? We're engaged!" and "I do."

I was the first of my friends to get married, so I've never experienced the friend-getting-married situation from the single girl's point of view, but I can't imagine that I could be angry to learn that my friend had found happiness. But, when I got engaged, sure as shit my "friends" started dropping like flies. The good thing is that when it was all said and done I had a core of friends left that I am still close to today. Fuck the rest of them!

I had a really good friend named Stacey that I was friends with for a few years in college. We would have so much fun together. We hung out together all of the time and just seemed to have a really unique connection. She never outright gave me shit about getting married, but she RSVP'd yes to both my bachelorette party and my wedding and showed up for neither. Sometimes the passive aggressive "fuck you" is worse than the verbal one. After that, I just stopped talking to her. While I knew in my heart that she wasn't going to be at my wedding, it still sucked walking down the aisle and not seeing her.

Is it the possibility of losing out to the new husband? Perhaps. I know I'm always disappointed to learn when someone with whom I have a social relationship is going to have a baby. Then people really drop off the face of the planet. But, at the same time, that's my issue. I can't expect my friends to not have children because I want them to be free for dinner. I realize that, and I don't begrudge them their happiness. Hell, it isn't my idea of happiness, but to each his(her) own!

Sadly, I think we've become such a self centered society that most people literally want to know "What's in it for me?" You know what? Sometimes nothing is in it for you, except the joy of watching someone that you love be happy. Christ, what a novel concept.

Haha

This post is exactly why I recommend The Superficial.

File This Under "WTF?"

This is not so shocking to me once I see "Alabama".

If I Drop Dead Tonight

$5475.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth. From Mingle2 - Free Online Dating

I can't decide if this is romantic or not, but my loving spouse's response to this was "You're worth more cooking dinner."

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Per PBF's request!


Napping.

Enjoying a new toy and wrapping paper.








Basically, looking pitiful.

I would have had these up sooner, but the new computer transfer took a little longer than expected (mostly due to my laziness).

Holiday!!

I love any holiday that doesn't require me to go to work (which at my company consists of: New Year's, Memorial, 7/4, Labor, Thanksgiving, Xmas Eve and Xmas so long as they don't fall on a weekend and if they do, then I'm shit out of luck)!!

The manager that refuses to delegate any work to the rest of the team was bitching all day about having to work tomorrow. Needless to say I had little to no sympathy. He's made the choice to hoard the work, so this is what he gets. I actually think he gets off on showing what a martyr he is.

I was thinking today, though, that he and his boss are both swamped, while the rest of us on his team are putting in our required time and leaving. Can't his boss see that if we're leaving early, then we aren't getting any work, and if he would give us some of his work, he could take some of hers? I mean, am I just making outrageous statements here?

I got an email today in response to one of my online resumes for a position in Wichita. It says that a "virtual office" is possible, but I'm pretty sure I'd just be selling vibrators and cock rings over the phone or something. I'm not really interested in phone sales.

It's days like this that I wish I wanted a baby. Then I could just squat one out and be a stay at home mom. I really have no qualms about exiting the workforce for a while, but I think it would be difficult to get a job again when/if I wanted/needed to go back. I mean, I can't find crap now and I'm out there!

PS- I'm still pissed about that shitty excuse for a thank you note.

Just Plain Tacky

Let me preface this post by saying that I got married 8 years ago. We had almost 200 people at our wedding and after a one week honeymoon, we returned, spent a day recovering from jet lag and then wrote a personalized thank you note for each and every single gift that we received (i.e. "Dear Uncle Carl and Aunt Mavis, Thank you for the beautiful crystal clock, which will look amazing on our mantle. We would also like to thank you for spending our special day with us, it meant so much to have our friends and family join us.") All of our thank you notes were in the mail within 8 days of the wedding.

Now, we went to a wedding two weeks ago, and there were less than 100 people in attendance. Considering that we didn't know the bride and groom (we know the parents) we gave what I believe to be an incredibly generous cash gift. Today, we received our thank you note in the mail, and I was very impressed that we got it so fast (I'm still waiting for a thank you from a gift that I gave 9 years ago.) So, I open the note, and imagine my surprise when I find a pre-printed generic thank you note! So generic, in fact, that the bride and groom didn't even bother to write "Dear Carl and Mavis,". They basically signed the bottom of the note, stuck it in an envelope and stuck it in the mail. They could have signed those things months ago, before they even knew who was going to be at the wedding!

I am so disgusted right now, I don't even know what else to say. We suffered through a ceremony packed in a chapel with no air conditioning on a 87 degree day that we had to drive 40 minutes into the boondocks to get to, and then listen to two stupid kids talk like they invented love, then drive 40 minutes back to civilization to attend a reception with terrible food... I at least expect the fucking bride and groom to whip out a pen and write me a fucking thank you note.

People never cease to amaze me with their white trashiness.

Wow

And to think people get their panties in a bunch here over the alleged homosexuality of a rectangular talking sponge.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/06/29/hamas.mouse.ap/index.html

Good for a Laugh

I'm such a sucker for baseball mascot shenanigans.

I also still laugh when I hear the term "booby trap".

Parents of the Year Nominees, Line Up Here!

There's a show on TLC called "Honey We're Killing the Kids". It's basically about crappy parents that feed their kids fast food, and then plunk them down in front of the TV. The episode that I'm watching now features a six year old that weighs twice what he should and an eleven year old that weighs as much as a sixteen year old should. There's also a daughter that's well on her way to hotness.

These parents always seem shocked to learn that a steady diet of McDonald's and pizza is actually not a good thing. I mean, when your kid can barely squeeze through a doorway, you have to know on some level that you're fucking things up.

Not to sound like I'm sitting in the rocking chair of the nursing home porch, but when I was a kid going to McDonald's was a treat. If I got to eat there once a month, I was lucky. Of course, I also rode my bike for at least 2-3 hours a day on a school day and probably 8 hours on a weekend.

I guess I just find it interesting that people who don't know that a six year old eating four slices of pizza is a bad thing feel that their DNA is something worth replicating.

If This Doesn't Wreak of Journalistic Integrity

Now, regardless of how you feel about Michael Moore, while his movies are technically "entertainment", they also tackle issues. His current movie deals with the issue of health care in America. And again, agree with him or not, the topics he chooses to address are hot button issues that can be debated and discussed.

On the other hand, Paris Hilton flashes her cooch and puts penises in her mouth.

Larry King sure does represent America, journalism, CNN and literate people in a way we can all be proud of.

Amusing

I got this in my email, and found it entertaining.

The small arrow:
The mystery is finally solved!
How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work when you move the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works?
Now, through the miracle of technology, we can see how it is done.
With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.
Click on the link below and you will find out.
Slowly move your mouse over the light grey circle and you will see how the magic works.
Follow this link and find out the truth http://www.1-click.jp/

Another Reason on the List

We went to a party a few weeks ago, and the people throwing the party have two kids- 6 and 2.5 years old.

During the course of this party, the 6 year old shit her pants six times.

I swear to you that I am not making this up. She was just walking around shitting her pants. Six times! Upon inquiring, we were told that the kid was not sick, but for some reason decided that she was just going to shit her pants.

How my husband and I didn't collapse into a puddle of laughter, I do not know. Since then, we have cracked up about it repeatedly.

We now have reason 492,750,370 on the list of why we don't want kids. Apparently, they shit their pants well after the Pampers years.

For the record, we now refer to this kid as "Ol' Pants Shitter".

You Can Get With

this...

Or you can get with that...

Perhaps they should tack on 11- Thou shalt not get all drunked up and crash thine pickup truck into a Mexican restaurant.

Why Not Rump Shaker?

So, my favorite disgrace to women, Hillary Clinton, announced that her campaign song is going to be some Celine Dion piece of shit.

I can't think of anything that could rile up a crowd like Celine freaking Dion. I don't think that going after the lonely, crazy cat-lady vote is going to win this election for her.

Not to mention the fact that Celine Dion isn't even American. Then again, Hillary isn't a New Yorker, so apparently she sees a world without borders.

I'll have to wait and see what Rudy, John and Barrack pick for their campaign songs...

Oh, and by the way, why do we need an announcement about her fucking campaign song?!? Aren't there more pressing issues out there? Apparently not.

Okay, Here's the Deal...

1- A dog's body was meant to have litters, not a woman's. There is nothing that spectacular about your DNA that you have to have your own children at the expense of the welfare system. Consider adopting a child that no one wants instead of contaminating the planet with kids that will inherit your shitty decision making skills.

2- The term is "in arrears" not "in the rears".

3- If your arms are as thick as your thighs, DON'T wear tank tops to work. No one wants to see that and you could kill someone if you turn around too quickly.

BAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Geek Christmas!

I got my new computer today! YAY!!!

There is nothing more exciting than new computer arrival day. Of course, all of my stuff is on my old computer, so now I have to decide if I want to just add the old computer to the network or just get a cord and get my stuff off of it.

I'd definitely be a geek if the computer to geek ratio in my house was 3:2. Of course, if you include the beagle, then it's really a 1:1.

My new monitor hasn't come yet, so the Holiday will be extended a few more days! It's a flat, wide screen. 19 inches of computer viewing. I CAN'T WAIT!

For now, I'll just have to deal with my older than Windows 3.1 clunker of a monitor. Okay, it's not older than 3.1, but it is older than XP.

Tinky Winky Wants to Tell You Something

Population of Hell Increases By One

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/05/15/jerry.falwell/index.html

If I believed in heaven and hell, I know this jerk-off would be going right downtown.

Hanoi Jane

Is it just me, or does Jane Fonda sound dunk/retarded in this interview?

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/05/11/earlyshow/leisure/celebspot/main2791086.shtml

hyp·o·crite (hĭp'ə-krĭt')

On Monday, I was talking to my boss (no one other than a few coworkers were around) and in the context of a discussion regarding my frustration with people contacting me for information that I really shouldn't be giving them (i.e. questions about contracts that I don't have access to, but know the general idea.) In any case, in the context of this discussion I said "I don't give a fuck what he does." Now, let me put in this disclaimer that, while I do work for a religious organization, most of the people in this department are not even observant of any religion, much less zealots. People are cursing and bitching and moaning around here on a daily basis. It certainly wasn't the first f bomb dropped around here. Hell, it wasn't the first one of the day!

So, my boss out of nowhere says "Please, watch your language." What I enjoy most about this is that he curses more than anyone else in the office. So, now, three days after his little scolding he walks into my office while I am on the phone and demands to know who I am on the phone with. I tell him that it's someone from another organization that he asked me to contact and relay information to. He then proceeds to say (while the person is on the phone, and my hand is not covering the mouthpiece) "Shit! I can't catch a fucking break today!!" Wah, have another childish meltdown.

It took every ounce of restraint for me to ask him to please not curse. I mean, if we aren't supposed to do it in front of coworkers, is it really appropriate to do it in front of people from other organizations? Especially people that you really don't know, and who might actually be offended?

As far as the meltdown goes, I don't even know what that was all about. The thing he was going to ask me to do was no big deal, and he just asked someone else to do it. It took her two minutes and was not even a huge priority. He needs to start taking Midol, I swear.

This is the bullshit that I deal with every day.

Interestingly enough, when I went to dictionary.com to get my little title thing, three Google ads came up, all for religious websites (christianbibleinfo.com, howjesussaves.com, hallvworthington.com.) Google ads make me laugh sometimes.

Boy, Have I Got a Treat for You!!!

I work in the ghetto. I'm not saying that in a white person from the suburbs way. It's a real, live, crack dealing ghetto. En route from suburbia (where I live) to the ghetto, I have to drive through a White Trash Buffer. I always pass the vehicle in the below photograph while in The Buffer, but this is the first reasonable shot I've been able to get of it.

In case your brain is trying not to comprehend this, it is in fact a stretch limo on monster wheels. I don't even know where to begin. All of my sarcastic comments are dammed up in my brain.

I Hate My Job

Yeah, I know, news flash!!

I am so freaking bored at work, it is ridiculous. I literally have to ask for something to do every single day, and even then I still have hours of free time. Considering the level that I am at, I shouldn't have to beg for work. The freaking secretary is swamped!

I am only left to assume that my boss wants me to quit, although I can't figure out why. I get my work done on time, it's always good and he has always given me positive reviews.

I am working on it, though. I had an interview on Friday, although I don't think that I am really in the running for the job. But, it was still nice to get out there and try. At least I am doing something...

I am feeling so shitty about life today. My boss is always complaining to me about how busy he is and how he has to work weekends to keep up with his workload. Meanwhile, I'm reading all about Caligula on Wikipedia just to pass the time. It's not that he doesn't know that I don't have work to do, because in addition to asking for work every day, I have come right out and said "I don't have enough work to do." He yelled at me when I tried to have that conversation with him. As you can see, he's a really good manager.

Okay, I've been fucking around on the computer for almost an hour. I at least have to change out of my work clothes.

My boss' boss is wearing the suit again (see 4/23/07)

She really makes me feel like a fashion plate, and I could give a shit about my clothes!

Ha ha- fashion plate! I used to have this toy called "Fashion Plate" when I was a kid. It had these plastic plates that you would put in a holder, so you could put a top and bottom together, then you put a piece of paper over it, rub the paper with a pencil to get an outline and then you could color in the outfit. I'm sure they don't make that anymore. You can probably get a program that would do it for you.

Okay, back to work. Fun, fun work...

Laugh for the Day

This is my favorite thing ever from the Onion.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40096

How Can You Be Surprised...

...when cops fuck up? I mean, when you put law enforcement in the hand of the douche bag guys with chips on their shoulders in high school why do you expect quality?

http://www.cnn.com/2007/LAW/04/26/atlanta.indictments/index.html

Those nice cops that really care about protecting and servicing are basically only on TV, with a rare few actually being real. The rest just want to get back at the all the kids that flushed their heads in the locker room toilet 15 years ago.

I've never met a cop that didn't make it glaringly clear that his (or her) nightstick is just compensation for his (or her) tiny penis.

No, You're Not

I saw this on a minivan. Clearly, this person is delusional.

Proud to be a Yankee

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I'm super sophisticated, but when I read an article like this I feel like Princess Grace.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/04/23/turner.prom/index.html

I guess living in New York (or the Northern half of the country for that matter), I tend to forget that there are still people in the US that still have a 19th century mentality about things. Hell, the fact that there are people that still used the term "colored people" is amazing to me.

I really do feel bad for all the kids in that school. The black kids are going through life being treated like second class citizens in their own hometown. It really disgusts me. Meanwhile, these white kids are going to go out into the real world and be shocked every time they see a black businessman or a black politician. I would imagine that, unless they plan on spending life in that shitty little town, these white kids aren't going to function well out here with the rest of us.

I get the feeling these people think this is news because they are participating in integration, but it's really that we just in awe of their ignorance.

Connectivity

Well, I have my router and I'm back online! I still haven't networked my computers together. Baby steps.

Work sucked ass today. There are days when I can tolerate my job, and there are days when I can't understand what I could have done in a past life to deserve this. Today was the latter. My boss' boss was being a fucking bitch from hell, and took it out on the rest of the department.

She has this suit that she wears all the time. She wore it two Thursdays ago, then again last Tuesday and then again today. Now, the woman easily must make at least 2-3 times more than me, and somehow I can manage to work a good 13 outfits into my rotation.

I desperately need a new job. This place is such a roller coaster, and it's making me crazy and exhausted.

Now I Know How the Pilgrims Felt

Our wireless router shit the bed, so I haven't been able to get on from home. We're at my parents' house now, and I feel reconnected to the outside world. I would imagine this was what it was like at Plymouth Rock.

We went to see the in-laws today and no one harangued us about not having children. Woo hoo! They are all Catholic and have a hard time understanding why we don't want the pitter patter (and vomit splatter) of little feet around the house. On the one hand, it annoys me because I really don't think it's any of their business. On the other hand, everyone in the family has lots of children, so I think that they just can't understand the concept of not having any. It's not just them, a lot of people can't understand it.

I could not imagine having a child. I had little interest in kid things (soccer practice, other kids, school plays) when I was a kid, I definitely wouldn't want to relive that as an adult. I'm also really bad at feigning interest in things that aren't interesting. Whenever I hear a mom or dad exclaim "Wow! Look how you jumped off that sidewalk!!!!" I know I don't have it in me. I would be like "Yeah, so? Everyone else in the parking lot just stepped off of it. Do you want a fucking medal?" Mother material I am not.

Plus, if I ever saw my husband walking around with our kid in a papoose strapped over his chest I would probably have to leave him. Men that wear their kids in a papoose do not look manly.

Here We Go...

So, here's another blog that no one will read. Like most, I'm pretty much doing this to vent and avoid boring my family and friends with my inane thoughts.

A little background- I work for a Catholic organization, but as someone who was raised Catholic-ish, I think the whole thing is a load of crap. Let me make this clear- I DO NOT WORK FOR THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. I work for a Catholic organization- two different things, same bullshit ideals.

As an educated female, I cannot see how it is possible to be a part of a religion that, quite literally, hates women. Additionally, as an education person I cannot see how it is possible to be a part of a religion that hates Jews, homosexuals, divorced people, unbaptized children, etc. yet fully accepts the concept of raping kids.

Regardless, I am a money whore, and so I take my paycheck every week and check the want ads daily.